The Reassurance Seeking Cycle
Reassurance seeking can be a normal inclination when dealing with uncertainty or trying to make a difficult decision. Seeking support from others can offer us new perspectives and strengthen our relationships through relating to others in vulnerable ways. However, excessive reassurance seeking is a common checking behaviour associated with anxiety disorders and has the opposite impact on our relationships (both to ourselves and others). It is important to distinguish between healthy support seeking and excessive reassurance seeking when it comes to our relationships. When we seek excessive reassurance, not only do we diminish our own sense of power to cope with uncertainty, but also run the risk of harming our relationships through pulling our loved ones into a self-reinforcing loop of validation.
The cycle of reassurance seeking is fuelled by the power of negative reinforcement. Positive reinforcement works to increase behaviours through a reward or pleasant sensation following a target behaviour. For example, you might increase your productivity-related behaviours through rewarding yourself with watching your favourite movie after finishing an important work project. Negative reinforcement also increases the likelihood of a specific behavior, but through the removal of a stimulus. Procrastination is a great example of negative reinforcement! When we procrastinate, we offer ourselves temporary relief from an unpleasant feeling, making it more likely that we will procrastinate again in the future. It is important to note that this relief is temporary and may lead to negative consequences in the future. Negative reinforcement encourages habit formation through the association of procrastination with temporary feelings of relief.
The reassurance seeking cycle works in a similar way where we negatively reinforce checking behaviours through the temporary relief from uncertainty that is offered through reassurance. Inevitably, the next time you feel anxious or struggle with self-doubt, you are more likely to seek reassurance from others rather than strengthen your capacity to cope with uncertainty. So what do we do about unproductive reassurance seeking? Below are some tips for escaping the reassurance trap!
Distinguish between self-doubt and imminent danger.
A useful tip is to begin to distinguish feelings of self-doubt from times you are in imminent danger. If you are experiencing self-doubt, remind yourself of your capacity to make decisions for yourself and your goal in reducing your checking behaviours (and consequently, your confidence in yourself)! If you’re able to recognize that you are experiencing anxiety rather than an imminent threat, you can redirect yourself to self-affirming statements and your capacity to tolerate uncertainty.
Work on tolerating uncertainty.
Excessive reassurance seeking comes from a desire to reduce feelings of anxiety and difficulties with coping with uncertainty. Work up to tolerating uncertainty through encouraging yourself to cope with the feeling. Aim for avoiding reassurance altogether. However, you can also work up to building uncertainty tolerance by setting a timer and sitting with the feeling. Work on acknowledging the self-doubt but making the decision anyway. Imagine what receiving reassurance would look like, and offer that reassurance to yourself.
Use mindfulness techniques.
Once self-doubt has been identified as the source of the anxious feeling, work on observing it and floating above it. Through identifying our feelings, we can feel a greater sense of power over how much it consumes us.
By Gurdaya Sidhu, MHC-LP
